Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
Although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
What a funny story!!! Luckily the airline gave him a free ticket.It's not uncommon for airline passengers to doze off during their flight. But for 21-year-old Tor Martin Johansen, the snooze lasted through an entire round trip.
source
Johansen fell asleep on a short flight from central Norway city of Trondheim via Roervik to his hometown of Namsos on Thursday. When he woke up, he was back in Trondheim.
"Mercury ... is in a corner perfectly aligned with my star. Mercury is no good, so if it's not good, I am going to request not to speak. I'll just wait until next year to talk." (Thailand's prime minister, Thaksin Shinawatra, 20 Nov 2005)
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. I just feel sorry for poor Nelson.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy
"You know 'that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."
Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian. "
Roger Matthews
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free Is that sex for money usually costs a lot less!"
Brendan Francis
"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses"
Mrs. Patrick Campbell
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman!"
Maryon Pearson
"If your life at night is good, you think you have everything"
Euripides
"If a woman seeks education it is probably because her sexual apparatus is malfunctioning."
Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert DE Niro
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
"Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one."
L. M. Boyd
"For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time."
Isabel Allende
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."
Joan Rivers
On Thursday, Michael Sessions, an 18-year-old high school student, has been elected as the new Mayor of Hillsdale after beating the city's 51-year-old mayor by 2 votes (670 votes to 668).
Here are Michael Sessions' Top 10 Good Things About Being an 18-year-old Mayor, when he was interviewed by CBS' "Late Show with David Letterman" show Thursday:
10. Parents try to tell me what to do, I raise their taxes.
9. Every night, a different member of the City Council does my homework.
8. It's every teen's dream: the power to regulate zoning laws.
7. Goodbye, education budget -- hello brand-new Xbox.
6. I got a call from Demi Moore.
5. City Hall on ..."MTV Cribs."
4. I don't have to wait in line at Applebee's anymore.
3. School bullies now have to deal with the feds.
2. Only victory speech featuring the word "dude."
1. It's flattering when President Bush calls me for advice.
Technorati Tags humour
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating for long enough, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: Romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister , he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items: the gloves for the sister and the panties for the sweetheart. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"Honey, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons. I found short ones on her and they are easier to take off. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you gain. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. "
Technorati Tags jokes humour
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women"
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.
Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"
Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because men fake foreplay!
Q:What is the real difference between men and women?
A:A woman wants one man to satisfy all her needs. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q:Why do men like smart, sexy women?
A:Opposites attract.
Q:Why is psychoanalysis so much quicker for men than for women?
A:Men don't need to be regressed back to their childhood.
Q:Why are well-dressed men always married?
A:Because their wife chooses their clothes for them.
Q:Why are men such wankers?
A:Because they have a willy with a head but no brains that hangs out with two nuts and lives next door to an arsehole.
Q:What do a beer bottles and men have in common?
A:They are both empty from the neck up.
Q:Why can women never find their way to a man's heart?
A:Because they aim too high.
Q:Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
A:Because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.
Q:Why does it take three million sperm to fertilize one single egg?
A:Because they're too stupid to find the right way.
Q:What is the difference between men and premium bonds?
A:Premium bonds might mature.
Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man:"But God, why did you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love a wanker like you."
One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?""The good news," replied Adam."Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain.""OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?""I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."
Technorati Tags men jokes humour
Different people has different ways of describing the geography of a woman. Unlike others, comparing the geography of a woman to different parts of the world make it a lot more intersting.
Geography of a woman:
Between the ages of 15 and 20, a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.
Between the ages of 20 and 30, a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
Between the ages of 30 and 35, a woman is like India&Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful.
Between the ages of 35 and 40, a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.
Between the ages of 40 and 50, a woman is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.
Between the ages of 50 and 60, a woman is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
Between the ages of 60 and 70, a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future ...
Ever wondered how POLITICS work? Here is a small joke that I received from a friend via email. I hope you enjoy it.
SON : Dad, I have to do a special report for school.
Can I ask you a question ?
DAD : Sure Son, What's the question?
SON : What's POLITICS?
DAD : Well Son, let's take our home as an example :
I make all the final decisions on important matters.
So let's call me MANAGEMENT.
Your mother spends most of the money,so let her be
the GOVERNMENT.
We take care of you and your needs. So let's call
you the PEOPLE.
We shall call our maid Clara, the WORKERS.
And we call your Baby Brother, the FUTURE.
Do you understand what POLITICS means now?
SON : I'm really not sure Dad. I'll have to think about it.
That night awakened by his baby brother's crying,
the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper,
the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to disturb his mother, he then went to the
maid's room. He peeked through the keyhole, and saw his
father in bed with the maid.
The boy's knocking went unheard by his father and
the maid. So he finally returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning at the breakfast table;
SON : Dad, I now think I understand POLITICS.
DAD : That's great Son! Please explain to me in your
own words.
SON : Well Dad! While MANAGEMENT is screwing the
WORKERS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep.
the PEOPLE are being ignored and the FUTURE is full of shit.
